I Need You.

I'm around 15 years old and sitting in the sanctuary of the church I grew up in.
The room is large and open, but I'm closed in and focused-- soaking in the presence of God. My parents are serving at the altar and my siblings are spread throughout the building... but I have a few minutes to just sit and sing. I'm sitting on the purple pew and my posture signifies this is a place of rest. It's a place where I can simply melt from God's love. The week might have been good, or maybe not, but that doesn't really matter right now. I'm full of trust. My eyes are closed and I am set on being with Him. For however many minutes I have in that place of peace... I stay there acknowledging that I am in desperate need of the Lord. This, or something just as sweet, is the song I'm singing:

This song started playing in my quiet time one night last week. A lot of life has felt really complicated lately. I've felt sort of ... messed up and polluted (harsh words, I know). Just kind of broken without knowing where to begin to just get back to being 'Bonnie'. This image came to mind. The one I just described. The image, or memory, of myself was filled with simplicity and innocence... and for only a second I felt like that was just long gone. 

But then God whispered this to me. He said that my very favorite, sweetest moments (just like that one) with Him are available now. So is innocence and purity. I don't belong to Jesus to be stuck in a cycle of looking at how dirty I think I am, nagged by every stubborn stain that I just can't get to go away. He washes me clean.

"I need you more, more than yesterday. 

I need you more, more than words can say. 

I need you more than ever before. I need you, Lord. I need you, Lord.

More than the air I breathe

More than the song I sing

More than the next heartbeat 

More than anything

Lord, as time goes by I'll be by your side. 

Cause I never want to go back to my old life."

Jesus, I'm sorry for my self-dependency. I need you. All my needs are met in you. 

You didn't intend for me to walk around burdened and staring at my stains. But when I'm depending on myself that's all I can do. But you climb under the yoke with me and carry the weight for me. And you've purified me with your own blood. Because I'm in You, there's no stain in me. 

(Life Formations)